Friday, March 6, 2009

fear of the unknown.

as many of you know, i live my life in fear. i am afraid of everything and i don't know why. one of these fears that has been occupying my mind a lot lately is my fear for the future and i have this overwhelming feeling of uncertainty.

remember when you first came to college and had this little plan for your life and the thought never occurred to you that things would go even slightly different than you imagined? oh sweet naive little freshman pudge. she thought so many things of her future and little did she know, nothing would turn out the way she thought.

a huge part of me is so grateful that things haven't gone the way i though they would. i have learned so much and i wouldn't trade the majority of my experiences for anything. i have met some pretty amazing people and have grown in so many ways.

after this semester i will only have 11 credits left in college and will graduate in december. this sounds so glorious right? no more class, tests, homework, papers and the list goes on. but let's just think about this for a second. when i graduate i am going to have to get a real job in the real world. i can go anywhere in the entire world and this terrifies me. where do i go? what do i do? will my college degree have really helped find a career? honestly, my major has really just taught me how to be an amazing housewife and it doesn't look like that is going to be happening anytime soon. so, what am i going to do?

even more things to fear - complete independence. my parents aren't going to pay for anything and i am going to be completely cut off. i have a sneaking suspicion that they pay for a lot more than i think they do. what am i going to do when i have to pay my own cell phone bill and have to somehow find health and auto insurance? i don't have money for these things? how am i going to survive?

i just feel like i have no idea what my future holds and it is a little scary. is there any point to making plans and thinking about your future? is anything even going to turn out the way i think it will? how do you deal with the fear?

5 comments:

Afton or Brooke said...

oh, Pudgie. I think what you don't realize right now is how great it is going to be. The hardest part will be finding a grown-up job, but after that, independent life is great. You make your own money, you decide where to spend it. You are simply in control of you. Yes, it will be stressful at times but the rewards will far outweigh those stresses. I am so proud of you for pursuing your college education and I know only great things are to come!

Linds said...

paige-finding your own insurance is horrible. i was cut off last march, and it was terrifying...but alas i survived. remember...we are moving to (insert location here) and are going to have the time of our lives.

shea said...

About time mommy and daddy cut you off! Time to be a "grown up". :)

BEAZER said...

"You are a fear prisoner. Yes, you are a product of fear."

-Jim Cunningham

<3

megan thomas said...

I hear your the favorite...they'll never cut you off!